Human Behavior Polarities Stem From The Same Core Beliefs

Polarities – Opposites

Opposites are two different sides of the same polarity scale. In this article we're going to explore the following polarities:

• Hoarder versus Minimalist
• Neat-Freak versus Slob
• Copious Planner versus Always Spontaneous
• Over-Eater versus Under-Eater
• Aggressive versus Passive
• Narcissist versus Self-Sacrificer
• Sexually Insatiable versus Sexually Disinterested
• Always Optimistic versus Always Pessimistic
• Lazy versus Workaholic
• Extremely Shy & Modest versus Exhibitionist
• Hides Shame versus Fame-Seeker

Opposites stem from the same core – it isn't just that they're on the same scale, but that the opposites themselves are closer to one another than the center. In fact, it will help if you visualize the scale as a circle rather than a line. Just bend that line in your imagination until the opposites touch one another. Got that? Excellent.

But now, remember that these opposites appear extremely different. This article is here to illustrate why the appearance is deceptive and what is actually going on.

It is the core sameness within opposites that follows the “law of attraction” most strongly – like things attract like things.

It seems like opposites attract because two “opposite ends” of the same polarity will attract. There are several reasons for this maya (illusion), which I will now explain in some detail.

The part of you that is expressed consciously will have a counterpart that is subconscious. The more extreme the behavior, the more deeply buried the subconscious counterpart behavior. When you meet someone whose conscious behaviors mirror your subconscious behaviors, you feel reunited with yourself. Often the connection is obscured because the people you're attracted to mirror your repressed aspects in exalted ways. You may have repressed any aspect of yourself that is vain or self-interested because society deems that wrong, but then find yourself attracted to highly confident people who seem to genuinely love themselves. This often goes wrong when you find out that they're really more like covert narcissists than they are like genuinely self-loving people. If this keeps happening to you, then the answer is to uncover your own repressed self-interest.

The first reason why it appears that opposites attract is because you will feel completed by people who reflect your repressed aspects.

You will also be attracted to people who fit your concept of love. Your concept of love was developed in childhood by your primary caregivers, and surroundings. Children will tend to run to the opposite polarity of their parents in order to escape their parents' pitfalls. If the parents are interrogating, the child will become aloof. If the parents are aloof, the child will become interrogating. If the parents are aggressive, the child will become withdrawn. These are generalizations which won't always apply, but the more extreme the scenario, the more likely the child is to polarize in the opposite direction from their parents. This is why traits like “good driving” and “being organized” seem to skip a generation; the grandparents seem to have more in common with their grandchildren than the parents do with their children because the grandparents polarized their children one direction, and when those children had children, they polarized back in the direction of the grandparents.

Mitigating factors such as having parents who are already highly polarized from each other can help create a more balanced child if the child has the conscious resources to be introspective and question their own beliefs throughout their teen years.

The second reason why it appears that opposites attract is because you will be attracted to people who remind you of your parents (in subconscious ways), and you are going to be polarized in the opposite direction as your parents in many ways.

People are also attracted to things that seem new, novel and different. But people are not attracted to things that seem genuinely dangerous (unless they are experiencing intense vibhava-taṇhā). The level of danger that we perceive in a situation is something we evaluate with our intuition; it is done subconsciously, and thereby we may be consciously saying “this is a dangerous thing to do” but subconsciously feeling that the risks are entirely justified and of no concern. This is why it seems like some people are dare-devils. These so-called daring people have a different threshold for what feels dangerous in the evaluation of their subconscious.

Novel attractions include things like flavors. We may want to try all the flavors of a given brand of kombucha or juice. We try one thing by a brand establish that we like it. This provides a sense of safety that we like things of that nature. With this safety, we go on to try every flavor. The flavor is a novelty on the surface, but the core (type of commodity or brand) is familiar and safe. If we already know we like most fermented things, there isn't much risk in trying more fermented foods.

Novel attractions include romance. You may feel like you're trying out a new type of relationship. For example, let's say all your exes were brunettes who preferred to move into your place, drive your car, and held low positions in their work or preferred to not work in the conventional money-earning sense. You'll feel you're doing something new by dating a woman who is a blond business woman who has her own apartment and car.

The relationship seems novel, but similarities may include: she is still a woman, it is still a monogamous relationship, she strongly believes that money doesn't grow on trees, she believes in acting first and asking forgiveness later, she believes she needs someone to complete her, etc. The novelty will be obvious because its difference stands out to you. The similarities may be taken for granted to the point that it doesn't even occur to you that it might be any other way. Maybe everyone in your life is fairly rash, so the idea of finding someone who is rational, logical and slow-to-act doesn't occur to you. Whatever your baseline assumptions about humanity and relationships are will seem to be everywhere, and so it won't come to your conscious attention that there is a possibility for change in those areas.

The third reason why it appears that opposites attract is because we want to stay safe and also experience novelty; we're attracted to things that are highly different from us on the surface, but the same as us (and thereby safe) at a deeper level.

All three of these reasons are branches of the same core, primary reason why it appears that opposites attract even though the reality is that like-attracts-like. At a very deep level we're all seeking to see ourselves clearly. In order to see ourselves we must see every manifestation of what our core aspects look like. The more polarized we are, the more we must see the same core pain polarized in the opposite direction to get perspective on who we really are. We will be faced with this polarity over and over again until we start to see ourselves truly, and through this insight begin to shift.

To review briefly: People who seem to be “opposites” will be attracted to one another because (1) they will feel completed by people who reflect their repressed aspects, (2) they will be attracted to people who remind them of their parents – their original concept of love, (3) they're attracted to things that are highly different from themselves on the surface, but the same as them (and thereby safe) at a deeper level, and (4) at everyone's innermost being is the desire to see oneself, which will be best accomplished by coming to know someone who is a deep, inverse match.

What follows is an overview of some polarities. In order to really get the most from exploring these polarities, you will need to read between the lines and letters a bit. Why? Because consciousness patterns attach themselves to different words in different people. The same pattern in two different people may be described in vastly different words. Our language doesn't have a widely-accepted vocabulary for our complex inner worlds, and so we individually gravitate to words that resonate for us. Our individual resonance with given words for given experiences is created by our own association patterns.

This need for an agreed-upon vocabulary is why you'll find links on this page to my Consciousness Alchemy Glossary definitions.

Also, remember that the polarities are actually circles, not lines. It is possible for people to go beyond their polarity into the wildly fanatical place that is squished between both “extremes.” This is why some narcissists seem to flip between narcissism and co-dependence, or why some people go through phases of extreme nymphomania followed by total disinterest. These individuals are a clue, showing us a glimpse of the circular nature of these “spectrums.”

Polarities Let's now examine some common polarities.

Relationship to Material Possessions in regards to Ownership

Hoarder Polarity #1

Conscious Attitudes:

• I must acquire many things – particularly nice things, valuable things, things that represent me, and things that others hold in esteem.
• I must save things that might be good for later. This saves me the time and energy of acquiring new things in the future.
• I'm more prepared for disaster than other people.

Subconscious Attitudes:

• My things are an extension of me.
• By having more things that represent me, I am exalted and glorified.
• I am superior to other people who don't have as many things as I do and/or I am superior to others who are not as prepared for disaster or shortage as I am.
• I am protecting myself by having so many things; I distract other people with my gadgets and/or glam and it prevents them from poking at my vulnerable, hidden self.
• I don't deserve to have nice things, so I'll make up for it by having lots of things and/or I don't deserve a nice life, so I'll make up for it with having lots of nice things.
• I can't get/don't deserve to have things, but if I hold onto them when I come across them, then I know I will have them, and therefore will deserve them.
• I can't supply energy to acquire things, but I can manage to hold onto them.
• I resonate with trash, because I am trash, so by holding on to trash I am showing myself love.

Core Belief:

• There isn't enough of me, so I must acquire more things in order to make up for it.

Minimalist Polarity #2

Conscious Attitudes:

• I must not acquire anything excess; being a minimalist is better for the planet and helps keep corporate powers in check.
• I must not hold onto anything I don't need – particularly anything that will slow me down.
• Things are expendable, replaceable, and not as important as my day-to-day experience of life.
• Excess belongings are for inferior people who can't compute how much they can really take care of.

Subconscious Attitudes:

• I don't deserve to have a lot of things and/or if I had a lot of things I wouldn't appreciate them or properly care for them.
• I can't supply energy to manage things, but I can supply energy to acquire them when needed.
• Attachment to belongings is a pitfall that I've witnessed hurt others; I'm afraid of that and thus avoid material attachments.

Core Belief:

• There isn't enough of me, so I must not obscure what little of me there is with too much stuff.

The Mirror Between The Minimalist and The Hoarder

“There isn't enough of me.”

Being Centered

There are many people who do not fall into either polarity, but rather, have a more balanced perspective that leans one way or another. These people do not suffer as much from the core belief of “there isn't enough of me” but may still feel that to some extent. Only people who are in the exact center are free from this core belief. To be in the center is not to renounce all attachment and deny yourself from beliefs, but rather, to be able to walk both extremes in their appropriate contexts. To be centered is to embrace both polarities and be owned by neither. The center is a place where you can act from pure presence and intuition without being swayed by ingrained belief.

Those who are not minimalists or hoarders, but are also not centered, come in many varieties. Here is one example:

Steward Leaning toward Minimalist polarity

Conscious Attitudes:

• I have enough to be comfortable, but not too much.
• I am leading a balanced life that is better for the planet than most, without going to extremes.
• Things are nice to have, but too many things makes it harder to appreciate and take care of what is most important.
• My life is most elegant, enhanced and beautiful with a small amount of quality things.

Subconscious Attitudes:

• I must steward all the things I own, and if I own too much, it will weigh me down.
• If I can't take care of all of my things, I feel ashamed, so I must not own too much even if I want many things.
• Possessions are obligations, and I don't want too many of those.

Core Belief:

• Too many things will drown out who I am, but without some things I will not be able to shine either.

Polarity Variations

You may notice that you resonate with some portion of the conscious and subconscious attitudes presented, but not all of them. This may mean that you're not at either extreme “end” – that you're not completely polarized – or it may mean that the structure of your polarity is simply different than what I've presented in these examples.

A hoarder, for example, may not always care about acquiring things that others hold in esteem. They may feel that they are expressing more of themselves by exclusively acquiring things that represent them, and that anything that others deem valuable actually counts against it. After all, if you feel like you're lacking in your own original you, the last thing you want is to be a follower, right? But another hoarder may be extremely preoccupied with things that are of value to others because it makes them feel like they are more of themselves to be held in high esteem by others.

Not all highly polarized people will resonate with all of the given examples.

You may feel that you are highly polarized in one of these areas (such as feeling that you are a minimalist), but you are quite consciously aware of some of the attitudes I've listed as subconscious. Again, these examples are common trends, not absolute truths. But there is more to it than that. The line between conscious and subconscious is not a line at all, but a fuzzy area where things become more and more clear as they enter your conscious awareness.

As your consciousness begins to dawn, the light is fuzzy at first, just giving you some intellectual glimpses into your subconscious realities. As your consciousness rises like the sun over the horizon, these intellectual glimpses begin to resolve into feelings. When your consciousness brightens it becomes analogous of morning, where there are long-shadows, but now you can see your subconscious beliefs in one area clearly. You feel these beliefs and you can point them out intellectually and articulate them.

But it isn't until your consciousness comes into the brightness of full noon that all of the shadows are wiped away. This full, conscious clarity (called grokking) is rarely ever achieved in any area of our lives, so even if you have an intellectual grasp of some of your subconscious motives, you do not yet have the full-resolution picture.

The examples I've chosen for subconscious attitudes are those that are more commonly buried. They may be fully buried so that you are entirely in the dark about them, or partially so that you have a bare intellectualized grasp that it is there – even though you can't quite feel it to be true.

Relationship to Material Possessions in regards to Cleanliness

Neat-Freak Polarity #1

Conscious Attitudes:

• Cleanliness is next to godliness.
• I'm efficient because I'm organized.
• I'm desirable because my space and person is clean.
• I am ready for visitors or other surprise events at all times because my space is tidy.
• I find it restorative to my emotional well-being to create order in my space.

Subconscious Attitudes:

• I'm a better member of society because I contribute more as an efficient, clean, organized person.
• I find it hard to concentrate if there is any disorder in my view, so I find it needful to tidy up in order to maintain my efficiency.
• I feel overwhelmed, as if I have a massive to-do list, when I see clutter, so I have to clean in order to maintain emotional stability.
• I am at risk of missing out on the experiences I cherish most, and so I must keep everything hyper-neat and hyper-organized in order to be ready to receive these experiences.

Core Beliefs:

• Mother will accept me if I'm clean and orderly.

Slob Polarity #2

Conscious Attitudes:

• I can find all of my things just fine without being hyper-organized.
• The neatness of physical objects is an illusion anyway – everything is always returning to its natural state of chaos.
• I would rather be enjoying myself and living my life to the fullest than wasting my time cleaning.
• Life is meant to be experienced in its full richness, not spent fussing with orderliness and cleanliness.
• I don't have the energy to clean and keep up with everything, so why bother?

Subconscious Attitudes:

• It is more important to pay attention to how things feel and sound; it is trivial how things look.
• Caring about how things appear is shallowness.
• I am at risk of missing out on the experiences I cherish most, and so I must not be wasting my time on trivial activities such as cleaning, lest I miss the opportunity.

Core Beliefs:

• Mother will accept me and show me her acceptance by cleaning up after me.

The Mirror Between The Neat-Freak and The Slob

Subconscious Mirror: “I am at risk of missing out on the experiences I cherish most.”

Core Mirror: “I need to be this way for mother's acceptance.”

Infancy Trauma – Endlessly Seeking Mother's Love

When our own mother didn't hold us, carry us everywhere, and tend to us adequately in our first nine months of life, we are left with a sense of wrongness that persists throughout our lives. Eventually this wrongness is internalized as something being wrong with us specifically, rather than something just being wrong in general. This transforms into a persistent need to be or act in a certain way which we believe will bring our mother's love to us.

Every polarity on this page is the result of childhood traumas, usually going back to infancy. These traumas include emotional neglect, physical neglect, humiliation, and denial of your right to autonomy. To learn more about this, read my article, Developmental Trauma.

Relationship to Planning

Copious Planner Polarity #1

Conscious Attitudes:

• Planning makes it easier to coordinate with others.
• I never know what I'll be in the mood for later, so it is best if I make contingency plans.
• Being prepared means being safe and planning is part of preparing – better safe than sorry.
• Reliability and punctuality are incredibly important virtues.

Subconscious Attitudes:

• Without a plan I won't be safe and I will feel lost and vulnerable.
• If I don't come up with a good plan, others may create a plan that will be disadvantageous for me.
• If I don't make good plans then nothing good will happen.
• Good people are prepared people.
• I don't want to miss out on precious experiences, so I must plan to have these experiences and stick to the plan.

Core Belief:

• I am not safe without a plan.

Always Spontaneous Polarity #2

Conscious Attitudes:

• I must keep a free schedule in case something good comes up.
• I never know what I'll be in the mood for later, so it is better if I don't make commitments.
• It is better to have freedom than it is to be reliable.

Subconscious Attitudes:

• Commitments scare me and confine me and make me feel caged and/or claustrophobic.
• If I tried making a plan, it'd just fall through and disappoint me anyway.
• My greatest value is in my flexibility, adaptability, and contagious energy – I'll lose all that if I have a plan.
• I don't want to miss out on precious experiences, so I must ensure that I'm not held down by plans which will prevent me from observing and taking the opportunities.

Core Belief:

• I am not safe without spontaneity.

The Mirror Between The Copious-Planner and The Always-Spontaneous

Conscious Mirror: “I never know what I'll be in the mood for later.”

Subconscious Mirror: “I don't want to miss out on precious experiences.”

Core Mirror: “I am not safe.”

Notice how similar some of the attitudes are on the planning/spontaneity spectrum and the order/disorder spectrum. This is why it is common to meet organized, neat planners and chaotic, spontaneous slobs. However, it is possible to contain many of the traits from the planner polarization as well as many traits from the slob polarization, and vise versa.

For example, my relationship with planning, for example, is as follows: “I believe in making plans so that I can rest in their safety right up until the moment that something better comes along so that I can ditch them.”

Despite the ambiguity in my relationship with planning, I always land firmly as a “J” in Myers-Briggs personality type tests. If you're interested in learning about personality types and how they relate to protector personalities, read my article, Are All INFJ People Also Highly Sensitive People (HSP)?

Relationship to Food

It is important to note when reading the polarizations in regards to food that both the over-eater and the under-eater can manifest as people who look completely normal and healthy. They may manifest as fat people and sickly-thin people, but they also may not depending on exactly what methods they use and where they are in life.

Over-Eater Polarity #1

Conscious Attitudes:

• Food is one of life's greatest pleasures, so indulge!
• Cooking and/or buying food is a great pleasure, and feeding others brings me joy.
• Everybody loves food.

Subconscious Attitudes:

• Other people are overwhelming, so drowning them out with chewing makes them more tolerable.
• People won't like the real me, so I might as well settle for food communion.
• Being fat is a barrier that protects me from false connection with other people who would only want to use me anyway.

Core Belief:

• I am powerless to obtain connection with others, so I'll create control in my life through cooking, pleasing flavors, and the communion of eating.

Under-Eater Polarity #2

Conscious Attitudes:

• What I eat is one thing I can and do control.
• I'm healthier than people who overindulge.
• Discipline is a virtue.

Subconscious Attitudes:

• If I'm not attractive, nobody will care about me.
• If I let myself be gluttonous, I will have no control of my life.
• If I don't look after my looks, I'm abandoning myself and my values.

Core Belief:

• I am powerless to obtain connection with others, so I'll create control in my life through limiting my food intake, keeping myself thin, and manipulating others with my good looks.

The Mirror Between The Over-Eater and The Under-Eater

“I am powerless to obtain connection with others, so I'll create control in my life through my eating habits.”

Health Obsessed Leaning toward Under-Eater polarity

Conscious Attitudes:

• I take excellent care of my body.
• Good, appropriate food is medicine.

Subconscious Attitudes:

• If I'm not healthy, nobody will want me.
• If I don't take care of myself, nobody else will.
• I'm the only person I know will stick around my whole life, so I'd best take care of my body.

Core Belief:

• Genuine connection with others is difficult to obtain, so I will keep myself super healthy and attractive to garner respect and adoration from others.

Outward Changes come as a result of Inward Changes

Often someone who grew up as an over-eater will turn to the attitudes of a health-obsessed person when they learn to take good care of themselves as a new way of handling their situation in life. The apparent outward shift is always a result of a shift in the core belief. That means that if you felt entirely powerless toward your connection with others and then moved to feeling like connection was merely challenging to obtain – but not impossible – your relationship to food (and many other things) can now change.

It is also possible to “fake it until you make it” – meaning that you can use some sort of trick to get yourself to shift habits, and then, as a result, find that your beliefs have changed. However, when doing this method of inner work, it is important to ensure that your shifts indicate self-love. If you are not showing yourself that you love yourself, you will find that your core beliefs become even more stubborn and resistant to positive change. (For example, forcing yourself to work out until you hurt every day will not communicate to your inner selves that you love yourself, whereas doing a one-day water fast a week may communicate to your inner self that you do love yourself, depending on what feels good to you.)

Relationship to Social Assertion

Aggressive Polarity #1

Conscious Attitudes:

• I am strong, right, and capable. I'm confident.
• Other people will speak up if they want to be heard.
• The only way to get through to someone is with force or intensity.
• Getting what I want is impossible without my aggression.

Subconscious Attitudes:

• I feel weak and vulnerable, so I have to protect myself with a strong exterior.
• Better to be the striker than to be the struck.

Core Beliefs:

• If other people saw my true self they would reject me.
• People judge harshly, so I will strike them before they get a chance to strike me.

Passive Polarity #2

Conscious Attitudes:

• I'm shy and other people make me nervous.
• I prefer to avoid situations that may give me panic attacks.
• Modesty and humility are virtues.
• I'm a good listener.
• Getting what I want is impossible without my receptive, passive behavior.

Subconscious Attitudes:

• What I have to offer isn't good enough, so it’s best if I'm quiet.
• Nobody actually listens to me when I speak.
• I have a better chance of getting what I want through quiet desperation.

Core Beliefs:

• If other people saw my true self they would reject me.
• People judge harshly, so I won't show them anything about who I am for them to judge.

The Mirror Between The Aggressive and The Passive

Conscious Mirror: “Getting what I want is impossible without manipulating people with my behavior.”

Core Mirror: “If other people saw my true self they would reject me. People judge harshly.”

Relationship to Self-Image